Curiosity & Communication for Lovers

Are we still making love or performing for an imaginary audience?

Have you ever been in bed with someone and it felt like a performance? A lover who was determined to get through a certain list of positions, or whose singular goal was to make you orgasm, without asking you if you were even enjoying what they were doing? I know I have.

Lack of good sex education, lack of communication and the plethora of unrealistic expectations that the media and porn create can result in people literally forgetting how to feel. Forgetting to listen to our bodies, forgetting that we all deserve pleasure. Going through the motions.

In the JoyBear porn Confessions of a Sound Girl, the first episode is titled "Assume the Position". Adreena Winters and Romeo play two performers who are doing their best with a corny script and a director who expects them to get into some extremely weird sex positions. Despite fucking for the scene, neither of them feel satisfied once filming is done. How many of us can relate to this? Well, perhaps not to filming a porn scene, but to feeling unsatisfied after a sexual encounter.

"Oh, we shagged for hours, we did all sorts of positions, it was really good." But was it?

In Assume the Position, Adreena and Romeo wait until filming is over and stay behind on set. Slowly they begin to explore each other, communicating and finding what feels good. This scene is a huge contrast to a lot of mainstream porn where the woman is often fucked in as many different positions as possible, with no thought to pleasure, just a long, drawn out race to the cumshot. Too many people try to repeat what they've seen on screen in real life.

Particularly for young people, this can be a big problem. This is one of the reasons why indie porn studios like Joybear are committed to making films that show real pleasure and sexual encounters that viewers can learn from and be inspired by, with plenty of fun thrown in the mix as well. 'Loads of build-up and everyone having a great time are all standard' explains Joybear founder Justin.

So how can we bring this mindset into our real life sexual encounters? For me, it all comes down to communication and curiosity. Whether you're in a relationship or dating, bringing these two qualities to the bedroom will take your romantic rendezvous to the next level...

Communication before, during, and after sex

Good communication should be the gold standard of every sexual encounter. We need to normalise saying what we do and don't like. We need to remove the idea that there are things that we 'should' like and be open to exploring in a consensual way. A classic example is that all women love oral sex and all men love blowjobs. That quite simply isn't true. Some women prefer to be kissed and fingered and that it's OK to say that. Some men don't get off on blowjobs, also OK. Sex should be about finding pleasure, not following a one-size-fits-all set of directions.

It can be difficult to talk about your needs, I know that voicing what you like, and especially what you don't like can be scary. However this is something we really need to get over. Why should we stay silent? If it's good, get into the habit of saying it's good. I can guarantee that your partner will love to hear that they're pleasing you. Of course communicating that you aren't enjoying things can be a little more difficult as the last thing we want to do is hurt each other's feelings. My suggestion here is to have a conversation with your partner outside of the bedroom. Say that you want to bring more communication into your sex life. Perhaps try playing the "Yes, No, Maybe" game. Tell your partner that you want to practice telling each other your needs. Don't just blurt out 'I really don't like that' in the middle of having sex... Remember that in the bedroom you are both in a very vulnerable state so begin by suggesting things that you DO like. Your partner will usually be guided by this, so keep on with the positive reinforcement. If they keep doing something that you don't like, (pussy licking for example) a good way to communicate is to say something that you do like as an alternative. 'I really enjoy it more when we kiss and you finger me than when you lick my pussy.' You can perhaps add something like 'it makes me feel so much more connected to you' if that's appropriate for you. Just try to speak kindly, gently and truthfully. Unless you get off on being told what you're not good at, pleasure comes in many forms after all...

Curiosity is Key

Stay curious. Listen to your body. Solo sex sessions can help with this as knowing your own pleasure points makes it much easier to show them to a partner. Also on your own you can take the pressure off, just concentrate on yourself and personal exploration with no worries about the other person 'waiting' for you. When you're with a partner get curious about what turns them on. People can have so many undiscovered erogenous zones, why not set out to find some new ones together?

Pictured: Adreena Winters and Romeo in "Confessions of a Sound Girl", a Joybear production.